Readers Respond: Feelings on Your Loss and Other People's Pregnancies

Given how common miscarriages are, it's not unusual that women who have had a loss will have acquaintances who are pregnant or become pregnant in the same time period. Pregnant friends and relatives may struggle with how to share their news while being sensitive to a grieving friend. How do you wish your pregnant friends and relatives had acted toward you after your loss? Did you not want to hear about their pregnancies, or would you feel hurt if they didn't share the experience with you? And if it did bother you to be around pregnant relatives, how did you maintain a relationship with the person who was pregnant?

Irritated

Man, I was so irritated that people wouldn't share their joys with me. My friends who had never had miscarriages just were so unsure of how to act around me. I wish they had just asked how I was doing and went from there. I was definitely sad, but I also understood that life continued on for other people and I still wanted to enjoy life. I have a lot to be thankful for and I wasn't going to let this take away my joy, even if I didn't always feel happy. I love to enjoy life with other people and it made the miscarriage harder when people would avoid or not allow me to enjoy their experiences with them. You almost feel like a disease. I know how hard it was for me when I was pregnant and had friends who miscarried, so I can see how it felt difficult. I almost felt like my friends felt worse or more uncomfortable talking about it than I did. I guess the rule of thumb is that everyone is different, and when in doubt ASK!

—Guest kbull

Sadness

I became a mother on Mothers Day 9/5/2010 and my little girl Bella Rose passed away. I feel upset around other people's babies. At my little girls funeral there was asked that no one bring there children, especially babies, and one woman I didn't even know brought her two children, one being a little baby. As I was sitting out the front watching everyone putting roses on my little girl's casket her baby was crying and crying... I was already so upset about my little girl and to hear that was horrible, I felt too angry. Before I lost Bella I was doing cert3 in children services so I could work in childcare or work towards becoming a preschool teacher. I had almost finished my course but I can't do it, it hurts to much. I don't want to look after anyone else's kids when I should be look after my baby but I can't.

—JessMummyOfAnAngel

Miserable

I was surpised to find that I was pregnant since my boys are teenagers. But I was so happy! Then around 5 weeks I had a mc. Now I can not figure out how to get rid of these feelings of despair. Friends are pregnant and starting to show and I smile and fake it and get through the day to come home and cry. I wish someone would really understand but I find myself telling those that knew it is ok but it is not. I want my baby back so bad the pain is unbearable!

—Guest Miserable

I feel so alone!

I found out I was pregnant at 3 weeks and although it wasnt planned and a total shock, I never felt so happy perfect and fulfilled. My partner and I were so happy. Went to the 1st scan at 12 weeks and found no heartbeat. Baby measured just 8 weeks. Looked so perfect on the screen. I'm still waiting to pass the little one natually, 5 weeks after it died. My partner was really upset after we found out but now he's fine. He jokes around about when it comes out and isn't taking anything seriously. I feel like I can't talk to him. I just want to cry all the time. I told my 3 best friends, 2 were very sorry for me, although I haven't heard from them both now for ages. The other friend just recently had a baby, she drank and smoked all the way through her pregnancy, doesn't know the father etc., her response was 'awesome, when do you wanna come get drunk'?!?! i just feel like no one's here for me. I haven't told my family as I don't want to upset them. The only support I have comes from the internet! :(

—Guest Jess

I understand what you are feeling

I've been trying to stay strong myself and know that I shouldn't be upset over something I have no control over - but after my 1st miscarriage my sister-in-law got pregnant and everyone was so excited for the '1st grandbaby' and I kept feeling this anger and jealousy that I 'had' the '1st grandbaby' and lost it. Then I started to get over that and I was pregnant again only to have an ectopic at 8 weeks, then just recently got pregnant again and miscarried at 10 weeks. Right after 'the first grandbaby was born' - it was super hard and I tried to keep it together and thought I was doing a good job until my other sister-in-law just announced that she is pregnant and although I'm happy for her, I also work with her and she is non-stop talking about her pregnancy - she has the nursery picked out - the type of shower she wants - she's maternity clothes shopping already and I want to tell her to becareful not to get too excited - but I know that is my fear.

—Guest MMKG

Maternity photographer

I miscarried in October 2009. It was my first pregnancy. It has been especially hard for me because my sister-in-law is pregnant and has been unintentionally rubbing it in my face. At least it feels that way. I'm sure she really isn't. However, one month after my loss she gave me a pregnancy book to read. How clueless can one be? Also, I receive weekly text messages from a close friend updating me about her perfect pregnancy. Another clueless one. I think they should read a miscarriage etiquette book or something. What is worse, is that I am a newborn and maternity photographer. I receive daily inquiries from glowing pregnant women wanting me to photograph their growing bellies. It is the hardest thing I have ever dealt with. It has been 8 months now and Im still now pregnant, but still bitter towards every pregnant woman I know. It is miserable.

—Guest Bitter

Everyone's pregnant but me.

My husband and I had been trying to get pregnant for about a year, didn't help that EVERYONE was pregnant around us. A nurse in a hospital and 8 girls on my unit alone were pregnant, along with a few friends, my best friend included. We were so excited to get the news that we were pregnant. At 6 weeks, I was scared and upset but told myself it was normal and everything was okay. Three weeks later everything was not okay. At 9 wks I was told that my baby had no heartbeat and it never grew past 6 wks. At 9 and a half weeks I had a D&C, that was last week. I am attempting to move on and have accepted that God has a reason for everything. It's hard and I don't know if I will ever get over it. The worst part is facing all of those pregnant woman. I avoid most of them, but my best friend, I am excited for her. I talk about my feelings, I cry if need be and she listens, that helps. Everyday it gets a little easier with support from loved ones and friends that have been in my shoes. God Bless.

—Guest Elisabeth B.

Sad

I had a miscarriage two weeks ago and would have been about 10 weeks today. Earlier this week, I found out my best friend is 9 weeks pregnant..and its killing me. She is such a great friend and I love her to death but I just cant be around her right now. I just can't take it right now...it's too much for me and I am struggling. I am so happy for her, because like me she has been trying for about a year, but my heart is broken for myself. Our babies would have been born almost at the same time and now I just feel like it's even harder to get over, when her baby is born..I will know that mine should have been born too. I really want to get over all of this and move on with my life...I'm just struggling. I have started praying and reading the Bible more to try and pull myself out of this sad place I am in right now. Please pray for me.

—kendra409

Here in the Dark

When we found out we were pregnant we were ecstatic! I had an ectopic pregnancy (first pregnancy) at six weeks. It is the hardest thing I have ever and still am going through. My three best friends got inspired by my pregnancy and decided to try themselves. They have all three gotten pregnant since then (two months) and I'm a mess. I fake it when I'm around them but break down when I'm alone. It took me three years to get pregnant in the first place just to lose my baby. And now they all get pregnant as soon as they decide it's the "in" thing to do? I just hate this, I feel like every time I think I am getting better, someone close to me gets pregnant and it brings me back down to the dark again. I feel like someone/something is playing a VERY cruel game with me. I hate this.

—Guest Jennifer

Feeling miserable

I miscarried at almost 11 weeks after being misdiagnosed at 5 weeks with a miscarriage that turned into a healthy heartbeat at 6 weeks of 132! It doesn't help that I miscarried on Easter either! I feel so miserable and upset and don't know how I will ever move on....had a d&c and been off work all week. Every one I know has had healthy babies or is pregnant and I keep thinking to myself why do they deserve it more than me? I so pray that my next pregnancy will be successful but I'm scared to even try. I wish I knew someone else going thru this bc everyone I talk to has no idea!

—Guest Brandy

3 Headed Monster

My husband and I miscarried around November 2009, 10 weeks. It was hard going through the holidays and mourning our loss. Recovering from the procedure was a constant reminder for weeks that we just lost our baby. There was some support from both sides of the family and very little from our friends. We were the first to get pregnant and everyone was very excited when we told them. It is now April of 2010 and we still have not gotten pregnant. We go back to the Doc the end of the month to see what is going on. No one knows that we are having trouble. Just last night we found out 3 of our friends are pregnant and all due close together, September and November. Everyone was excited and pregnancy was the topic the whole evening. At times I felt like the 3 headed monster & people knew we can't conceive. I survived till I got home & then broke down. Feelings of failure and loss flooded over me. No support from my husband, he said I needed to get over it. Feeling lost! God help us.

—Guest Jessica

Why can't I grieve?

I found out I was pregnant and two weeks later my cousin found out she was too. I miscarried at ten weeks and I have to be around her. Needless to say I cry everytime I'm around her but my mom says that it's selfish of me to do so. Am I not allowed to be sad?

—Guest Deeg

Not interested

I have had 3 miscarriages. 15, 12, and 9 wks. We have done thousands of tests and everything comes back normal. I have had my babies tested and the chromosome tests come back perfect. Both me and my husband are young, healthy people who would make AMAZING parents. I decided to try again and no more then a month after discussing with family and friends I find out that 3 of my sister in laws are preggo. They seem to have no sympathy for me and my circumstances and have NO IDEA what it's like. One is an alcoholic and a chain smoker with plenty of STI's (all the classic signs for miscarriage) and of course nothing happens to her. Another one has only been married for 3 months and is pregnant. Two of my little sisters 18 year old friends are preggo with boys they don't know. I can't take it! It is so unfair and I am happy for them but oh so jealous at the same time.

—Guest Michelle

I know I should be happy for them, but..

I miscarried 2 days before Thanksgiving (2009) at 10 weeks pregnant. This was my first pregnancy and my hubby and I were so happy to be having our first. When it happened, I was devastated, especially having to go through the holidays with that wound still very fresh. As these last few months have passed I seemed to feel better, but in the last month I have found out that two of my close friends are expecting around the same time, and all the feelings came rushing back like it happened yesterday. I know I should be happy for them (both are expecting their second child), but I'm not. I feel like I am a failure that I couldn't even bring my first baby into the world, and they are having another one. We are going to start trying again, but I am terrified that I will miscarry again, and I really don't think I can handle that if it happens again. Here is to hoping, that this time, it really happens, and to being able to be happy for my friends.

—Guest Stacie

Sometimes happy, sometimes sad

I miscarried at 6 weeks with my first pregnancy. It's been a little over a month since it happened. There are three couples who have newborns - two of which I see on a regular basis, and it doesn't bother me a bit that they have the newborns. But the last couple - I only see on occasion, but I have known both parents since I was 15 yrs old. It kills me to see them and their baby. I don't know what's the difference - maybe because they knew me when I was younger...dunno. It sucks that's for sure. My husband and I have been trying for 15 months to get pregnant. I am 33, and very scared that my window of opportunity is closing fast.

—Guest Michelle