When a friend or loved one experiences a major loss like miscarriage or stillbirth, many people assume that it's best to avoid talking about the event -- but this may not always be the best approach. The right approach varies by the individual.
Everyone processes grief differently. After a miscarriage, some people will want to talk about what happened and how they feel, whereas others will be uncomfortable talking about the loss. Each approach is perfectly valid.
In some cases, people going through a pregnancy loss may want to talk through their feelings. They may want to talk about their lost dreams and hopes for the baby, what names they were considering, hopes for trying again, and the like. In some cases of late pregnancy loss, grieving parents may wish to talk about holding the baby, what the baby looked like, or to show photos. They may appreciate it if you acknowledge the anniversary of the loss in subsequent years, as well, given that these dates tend to be permanently ingrained in the minds of grieving parents.
Don't discourage your friend or loved one from talking if he or she seems to want to open up, and don't be afraid to ask if you are not sure whether or not to avoid the subject. If your friend or loved one does want to talk, try to listen as much as possible and try to avoid any pat reassurances such as "I know how to you feel" or "You will get over it in time."
Conversely, if someone does not want to talk about emotions, that person should not be pressed too hard to do so. Just assure your friend or relative that you are there and willing to listen. But remember also that even if your loved one does not want to talk about the miscarriage, that may not mean the person does not want your company. Coming over to spend time talking about something else -- work, politics, or even the weather -- may be much appreciated.
Still other grieving individuals may prefer to isolate themselves and spend their time alone, processing the grief internally. This type of response should also be respected. Give your friend or relative some space and perhaps call or send an email to let that person know she is in your thoughts.
Source:
University of Texas at Austin, "Dealing with Grief." 1999. Accessed 19 Jul 2008.
