When to Tell People About a Pregnancy
There's a sort of an unwritten rule that many people follow about breaking the news of a pregnancy. Although some spread the news within five minutes of seeing the second line on the pregnancy test, a lot of people wait at least three months before telling people about a pregnancy in order to be sure it won't end in miscarriage. Others wait until a doctor gives the go-ahead and confirms that the baby has a heartbeat on an ultrasound.
A new essay on the Mothering.com website questions the old rule against telling people too soon. In the piece, called "In Praise of telling Too Soon," author Katie Silberman points out that telling people about a pregnancy early can mean having a lot of great support if you do have a loss -- and she points out that miscarriage shouldn't be treated as a shameful subject shrouded in silence.
I definitely agree with some of what Silberman writes, but I wonder too if the reason to not tell the whole world right away about a pregnancy -- and risk having to spread the news of miscarriage -- is because so many people out there just don't get it about miscarriage grief. In some cases, having people know about your miscarriage can mean being on the receiving end of a lot of hurtful comments and unhelpful advice, not to mention the trauma of having to tell a lot of people about the miscarriage, and many women just don't want to deal with that. I've always thought a kind of a good rule for pregnancy was to spread the news right away to anyone whose support you would want in the event of a miscarriage, but then wait until you're further along to tell everyone else.
What do you think? Don't be shy; post your thoughts here or in the forum, and be sure to take a look at these related articles:
A friend who had her babies years before I did (and told early and did have one miscarriage) always told me that bit of info — about telling people whose support she’d want in case of a loss. Makes sense to me. However, we did wait until the second trimester to tell people outside of our families, and we had to untell due to our loss at 19 weeks. Now, I can’t imagine going through this without the support of all of those people, though.
I agree with this advise. I have lost 3 pregnancies. With the first I told everyone I knew right away. I certainly didn’t think it would happen to me(losing a pregnancy). At 13 weeks genetic testing found severe genetic abnormalities and we ended the pregnancy. It was good that some people knew because I needed some time off work and some people were very supportive. However I wish I hadn’t told everyone because even 3 month later I had people coming up to me asking how the pregnancy was going and it was very awkward to tell people that I wasn’t pregnant. Then my second pregnancy I only told a few friends and family right away, then told everyone else after my 13 week genetic testing. As it turned out I miscarried at 15 weeks only one week after I told everyone.
The third time I only told my family and miscarried at 8 weeks and was very glad I didn’t tell anyone else.
Now I am pregnant again, only 5 weeks, and have told my family, but I don’t know if I will make any “announcement” this time at all. I guess people will figure it out sooner or later if I make it that far.
I guess it is good if a few people know in case something happens and you need time off work or some support.
R
We were pregnant with our first which turned out to be twins. We just lost them at 12weeks. I still have a hard time accepting it. We had told family and close friends. I can’t imagine not having their support through this. They would obviously have found out when I had to have a d&c. By them knowing already our babies were real to them as well as us, so their support was more heart felt. I had just started to tell some collegues at work that weren’t close because we had seen them in a u/s moving and healthy just the week before. Still they were our children at that time so I am glad I told. I may change my mind when I go back to work next week but figure the more I talk about it the easier it will be and it may help me come to terms with it. We want to try again and perhaps talking about our twins will make moving forward more barable.
I want to thank everyone who left a comment, it really does help others in their moving on to try again after their loss. It is assuring to know that others really do go thru the same thing as you. I have experianced two miscarriages, the first I lost at 10 weeks and the second at 16 weeks. My husband and I gave up all hope and now am thinking we are wanting to try again, but I am very scared. I told all my family and friends when I found out myself, I couldnt keep it to myself! and I am thankfull to have had ther support and love. They felt the pain as well as myself and my husband when we lost our little babies.