Readers Respond: What Helped the Most in Coping with Pregnancy Loss

If you have been through a miscarriage or other pregnancy loss, what has been the most helpful to you in dealing with the ensuing grief? Has there been a special song or poem, or a particular person who has been helpful to talk to? Did you attend a support group or do something special to remember your baby? Share your advice here for others who are grieving.

Lost

I recently had my third miscarriage. I feel so numb and distant from everyone that I honestly don't know what to do. It has gotten to the point where I have a hard time being around my fiance's son. I love him to death but to be honest, I am jealous. I have a hard time being around any pregnant women, or women with small children. Just like the other two, I have practically shut down. I go to work and come right home and avoid everyone. The first two took me forever to get to the point where I could go in public without breaking down. It helped to talk to other pregnancy loss mothers and the first 2 definitely got better with time.

—Guest stephanie

Grieving and then going forward

When I lost my first pregnancy 4 years ago, I was devastated. It was very helpful to let myself feel whatever I was feeling without censure, and to talking a lot to sympathetic people. We named her Raisin (her womb nickname) and decided she was a "her" because it was driving me crazy to say "it" and she was too young to know her gender. I also held a small ceremony to mark my baby's passing. Four years later I am still sad thinking about her loss, but it has helped me tremendously to have been able to have another baby, and we have adopted 4 children who needed parents. There's something redemptive about loving children who have lost their parents with a heart that has lost a child. And now I'm 22 weeks pregnant for the third time (with one successful birth), I still get worried about losing this one. Once you've been on the wrong side of the statistics once it's easier to believe it will happen again. But I have hope.

—Guest Barbara

Open up

My miscarriage was a very heartbreaking lonely experience. My baby died several wks before I miscarried at 12 1/2 wks. It was really hard being pregnant and knowing that your baby is dead. I have never felt so disconnected from everybody in my life. All I could think about was " My baby is dead." I was so upset that everyone was going on about their lives as if nothing had happened; because nobody knew I was pregnant besides my hubby and Doc. I remember thinking " who care's what you're talking about? My BABY DIED!" I didn't even want to be around anyone. I got tired of faking the smiles. I just felt like when somebody dies people mourn, when a life is lost it should matter to people. It was like in my world my baby's death was all I thought about, while in everyone elses world nobody cares about the precious little life that was lost. I ended up hemorrhaging and getting sick enough that people asked what had happened. Once I started sharing what I was going through I felt much better

—Guest D

My own closure

What helped me the most was crying when I needed to, being mad when I relt like it, and allowing myself to find happy moments throughout the day. It was hard to grieve the loss of my baby, while trying to remember that life is full of joy. But allowing myself to go through different emotions and not being so hard on myself for days I was overwhelmed was what made me do better. Talking to other mothers who had lost babies was also a huge part of easing my heartbreak. Knowing that I was not alone brought a sense of validation for my emotions. Realizing that it was not my fault was paramount. Knowing, "I Didn't Miscarry Her...She Died," allowed me to go through my grief and respect the life that was briefly with me but will forever stay in my heart. http://www.Michelle25.com

—Guest MichelleTheAuthor

Still working through it

It will be a year on the 17th of October. I'm dreading it... I started to feel depressed during the summer and it's gotten worse. I think the only things that are helping me are my boyfriend and my son. They're so great in giving me my space and time when I feel overwhelmed. I'm scared of what I will feel like when the date comes around, but I'm trying as hard as I can to continue upbeat. I don't want to give into my depression. Does anyone have any suggestions for me? I will try anything.

—Guest Ally A

Three

I have just lost my third pregnancy and I do have to say that this article was very helpful. I find that the information made me feel like my husband and I are not alone in this loss, because there are so many things that they talked about that I am dealing with right now.

—Guest Jenny L

Still trying to find mine...

After almost a year (october), I'm still trying to figure out what's helping me. It seems that I keep searching for something to make me truly happy, but nothing seems to fill the hole. Sure my boyfriend is by my side, and is always going to support me, but it seems that I need to find something deep down within myself to fill my emptiness. I've just ordered a book off of amazon, it's called silent grief...hopefully that'll help give some closure. But I'm still not sure... If anyone's got any ideas, I'm willing to listen, and try any suggestions.

—Guest Rachel Lynn

Coping and Healing

I think finding the person I was before I got pregnant and re-discovering my passion again. I got back into my historical research and spent lots of time with my husband. I was also part of a online support group that really helped me get through the tough times. Thank goodness for those women they truly understood me and we were able to help each other. There are many miscarriage support groups out there and I highly recommend joining one it made my feel less lonely in my grief and it was nice to talk with other women who were going through what I was going through. My miscarriage will stay with me forever but I have learned to cope with my loss better and hope to get pregnant again and carry a healthy child to full-term.

—Guest Jennifer