Nearly everyone who has had a miscarriage has been on the receiving end of various comments made by well-meaning friends and relatives. What was the worst thing anyone said to you about your miscarriage? Feel free to vent about it here.
- A person I work with told me that my miscarriage was all part of God's "plan". I'm not sure what kind of god "plans" to give a woman a baby, and then take it away. I do know, however, that it is no god of mine.
- —Guest Aayin
- After six years of trying for a baby, my husband and I decided to take the plunge and apply for adoption. Age old story, the same month we fell pregnant. We were overjoyed and it seemed like fate - due date was our anniversary. My hubby was permanently worried something would go wrong, but I was the most optimistic of my life. At almost 10 weeks I had a tiny bleed and the ultrasound showed our baby had died 2-3 weeks earlier, with evidence of a second yoke sac. We were heartbroken, and the physical problems were far worse than we could have expected, lasting more than 8 weeks and requiring an op. And now we can't adopt for a year. I just started to feel better when my newlywed sister-in-law announced she was pregnant. I feel so selfish because I'm jealous and want nothing to do with my husband's family, particularly after my mother-in-law's comment "Never mind, it'll work out for us all". Yeah, it will for you love - you're still getting your first grandchild. Oh to be selfless.
- —Guest Selfish
- Yesterday at my OBGYN apt we couldn't hear the baby's heartbeat, the u/s technician already had gone home but the midwife said she would make an appointment for monday (like I could/was going to wait 3 days). I immediatly went to the hospital to wait 4 hours to be told I had a blighted ovum which means the fetus in the womb never fully formed. My boyfriend said today that he's not upset at all because there wasn't a "real" baby in there, it was just like a sperm died. I was 3 months pregnant, had already picked out names and bought all new maternity clothes. I am so heart broken and I feel so alone right now. I live for my 15 month old son and he is my everything but I really want to just crawl into a hole right now.
- —Guest Gabrielle
Sensitive comments - not!
- I phoned my Granny to explain I had just suffered a miscarriage, she said, "what do you wanna get pregnant for anyway?" Also my supposed to be friend who had no problems conceiving and has a son said "well expect to have more miscarriages before you have a baby cause that usually happens." I was in shock at first but to be honest I don't feel i'd like to see her again. Usually the stupid insensitive comments are from people who don't know about or have never experienced a miscarriage.
Where do I start?
- My dad and bf mean well but when they try to help it always comes out wrong. My mom told me ''your not supposed to be sad because it's not a big deal and it's a good thing anyways, you don't need a child.'' The dr broke the news by asking: is there a possibility you could be pregnant?'' I answered: no I've been in pain and on the worst period of my life for over a month. He answers:' 'well you're wrong you are pregnant and you're bleeding because you're miscarrying.'' It is very hard because this was may-june of this year and I'm having a hard time coping with it still.
- —Guest zgiirl
I'm glad it's o.k with you!
- I'm still in awe of the nerve of the doctor that broke the news of my miscarriage at 10 wks!! His response was "It'll be fine, your body will just flush it out and maybe you'll get to see something." Freakin' what!!!! I just can't get that comment out of my mind. It all I hear. There is just no compassion anymore. How cold! Another comment I've heard from everyone is "well at least you have 3 other kids to make up for it ". Nothing makes up for it! Come on people, act like you care, just in my face at least, jeesh!
- —Guest Desiree
- My mother-in-law was good about the miscarriage itself, but she clearly wasn't thinking of me when, on the day of my D&E, she told my husband (with me right there) his gas smelled "like something had died inside him". This was about 10 minutes before we left to go to the hospital. The doctor who gave me the news wasn't great either. At 10 weeks, we couldn't hear the heartbeat, so she sent us to hospital for a u/s... then the hospital sent us back to the doctor, and after we had been waiting for about 15 minutes, she breezes in saying "As you probably guessed it's not good news, the baby died inside you..." And then continued to talk about options while my husband and I were crying to hard to hear a word she was saying.
- —Guest Jen
Bad doctor? Insensitive fiance...
- Reading all this makes me feel so not alone. I had a miscarriage that lasted from August 10 to the end of October. All the doctor I had did was take more blood every week. My fiance was extremely insensitive. When he was married his ex-wife pushed his oldest boy away after she got pregnant with their own and he was afraid I would do that with his youngest son. When I had the miscarriage I was in so much pain I just laid in bed most days. And leave it to him to tell me I was pushing his youngest away. I couldn't even walk without pain! How was I going to play with a kid? Since he has made comments such as "I'm glad you didn't have the baby cuzz you don't know how to be a parent." Again he is referring to his youngest who lives with us. The boy has anger issues from his mothers abuse and is always acting up when I watch him. I would never hurt him but I get frustrated by the end of the day, and he says that makes me a bad parent...
- —Guest Draginfhain
Many many rude comments
- I got so many rude comments I don't know where to start. More people said hurtful things than just "I'm sorry," which is all there is to say. One aunt informed me that "my body just must not have been ready." Really? Why not? A friend who herself went through a miscarriage told me it was probably for the best, what if the baby was deformed, and to 'keep my chin up.' It's not like I struck out at a softball game. My boss told me after my second miscarriage that "there's always adoption." Um, I never said I was infertile or giving up! And unfortunately, the very most hurtful comment came from my mother in law, who has repeatedly referred to the event as 'when we lost the baby' when I didn't bring it up (and I really don't want others bringing it up!!!), and then told me during my now so-far successful pregnancy that she just knew it was a girl, because she has this theory that girls are stronger than boys. So, what, she thinks I would have miscarried again if it were a boy?
- —Guest Lisa
- The worst comment I received came from a close family member of all people. She told me that God had let me get pregnant and then changed his mind about me being a good mother. Wow... Really? My husband had the audacity to tell me that maybe if I lost some weight I would get pregnant with healthy babies! I don't know what's wrong with these people, would they go to a funeral and say, oh he was going to die someday anyways!?!?
- —Guest KelseyM
- I found out I was miscarrying at 7 weeks (my second m/c). I logged on the pregnancy support board to tell them I would no longer be part of the group, due to my second miscarriage. I got a response saying "Better Luck Next Time" UM - REALLY?? This isn't a lotto ticket or baseball game! Seriously!
- —Guest Guest ab
Don't make her feel guilty!
- Despite the fact that the doctor reassured me that my miscarriage wasn't my fault, like most women who have experienced miscarriage I contemplated the possibility that I could have done something to cause it. So whatever you do DON'T SAY ANYTHING THAT COULD MAKE HER FEEL GUILTY!!! Because trust me she already does. One person actually responded to the news of my miscarriage by asking "what happened? Did you lift something heavy?" I love her dearly and I know she didn't mean to be hurtful but the comment was like a knife to the heart. I shared my hurt and educated her on what caused my miscarriage. Genuine concern can come out so wrong sometimes so just be careful not to be hurtful. And for us who are on the other end well, try to be patient, most of the time people really don't know what IS the right thing to say. So when dealing with your loved ones' responses to your miscarriage, help them learn by being open about what is hurtful and letting them know when they have been helpful.
- —Guest D
I am depressed after miscarriage
- Today is mother's day but I have got a miscarriage last month.... and I am very depressed. No sympathy and feelings from my family.
- —Guest mohua biswas
My now ex-boyfriend's response
- I don't see what the big deal is. It wasn't like we took home a baby and it died. Also: Too bad you didn't have work today. It would have kept you from staying home and feeling sorry for yourself. And: The night we found out I was miscarrying he dropped me off at home after the doctor appointment and told me he had stuff to do. I assumed he wouldn't leave me alone all night and texted him later to find he was going to the gym. He asked how I was doing and I said "Not so good". He texted back "Why don't you take care of your kids now and move toward the future now". When I asked him later if he could come over and just stay with me, he said no cause he was tired and wanted to go home. Everyone else I know has been more understanding and sympathetic than him. Hence, he's now my ex-boyfriend.
- I would get your tubes tied now as you are a tad too old! Also being told I am angry at people because I miscarried (not true)! Also being told I was selfish because I was an older mom and wanted it too much (after receiving a somewhat sympathy card).
- —Guest Joyce