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What If My Partner and I Disagree on When to Conceive After Pregnancy Loss

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Updated October 05, 2009

Pregnant After a Miscarriage

It's a major decision, so both partners need to agree on when to start trying for a new pregnancy after a miscarriage.

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Question: What If My Partner and I Disagree on When to Conceive After Pregnancy Loss

I had a miscarriage last month at 8 weeks. My fiance and I were both devastated because we had wanted a baby for a long time. But now he's telling me we should wait a year or two before we try again, and I want to try again right now. I'm not sure what to do.

Answer:

The situation you're facing isn't uncommon. A lot of the time, partners have a different emotional response to miscarriage, and the experience is different for the person who was pregnant vs. the person who wasn't, so it's natural that you might not agree on issues such as when to conceive again after the experience.

But given the importance of a mutually agreeable decision on this issue, you need to find a way to talk through your concerns. Pick a time when you won't be interrupted, and think through the reasons why you want to try again now so that you can clearly explain them to your partner -- and ask your partner to do the same. Your partner needs to understand why it is so important to you to try again, and similarly, you need to understand the reasons why your partner is more hesitant. Don't assume without talking it through that either of you completely "gets" where the other person is coming from. You may be surprised by what's on your partner's mind, and vice versa.

If it's too hard to have the conversation, or if you're not able to reach an agreement, it may be helpful to bring in a relationship counselor or other trusted mediator to help the two of you work through this, perhaps a doctor or nurse if medical concerns are a factor in your partner's viewpoint. Always remember that trying for a baby under any circumstance, whether it's after a miscarriage or not, is one of those decisions in life that deserves careful consideration and commitment from both partners before proceeding.

Source:

Swanson, Kristen M. "Research- based Practice with Women Who Have Had Miscarriages." Journal of Nursing Scholarship Volume 31, Number 4, Fourth Quarter 1999 .

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