Someone close to me had a miscarriage this year. I know she's still struggling with her loss, and with the holidays coming up, I'd like to give her a gift that recognizes this part of her life, but I'm afraid of being insensitive. Is is appropriate to give someone a gift at Christmas that reminds her of her miscarriage?
This is a question family and friends struggle with at any time of the year, but especially around the holidays. Whether your friend would have still been pregnant, or expected to have a newborn with her at holiday festivities, no doubt she imagined some part for her baby in the celebrations. If her loss happened close to the holidays, you may have already purchased a gift for her little one.
There are some excellent gifts available to honor the memory of a baby, as well as some not so great ones. Every woman has a highly personal experience with grief, and what might be an ideal gift for one person would be hurtful to another. Since you are close with your loved one, trust your instincts. Has she done anything else to memorialize her baby? Does she keep any items from the hospital or pictures of her baby on display? If so, she is likely to be receptive to a gift. If, on the other hand, she's more private about her grief, a memorializing gift may not be the best choice.
For the Friend Who Is More Open
- An angel ornament, especially one engraved with the baby's name or birth/death date, is a simple way to show you want to remember her baby with her.
- Jewelry. There are several websites, such as My Forever Child, dedicated to miscarriage jewelry where you can find something she'll enjoy wearing.
- A personalized frame. If your friend has any special pictures from her time with her baby, an engraved frame would be a welcome gift.
- A donation in her baby's name. Whether you choose the March of Dimes, the Hygeia Foundation, the hospital where your friend got her care, or another organization close to your heart, a donation can make a real difference for other women going through loss.
- A gift in her baby's honor. There are many organizations out there that will let you donate in someone's name. Whether you want to plant a tree, adopt a zoo animal in her baby's name, or even a stretch of highway, you'll be giving back to the community as well as sharing the memory of her baby.
For the Friend Who Grieves Privately
Some of the above ideas might be appropriate, but if your friend has chosen not to give her baby a name or has expressed that she doesn't like talking about her loss, it might be best to leave her child's name off of any donation you might want to make. Other ideas include:
- A gift certificate for a massage or other spa services. Your friend probably hasn't taken much time for herself lately, and who can resist the chance to get away from it all for a while?
- A coupon for a special outing together, your treat. Whether your friend loves movies, museums, or shopping, she most likely hasn't been up for her favorite activities lately. If you make it a special activity you can share, she might be more enthusiastic about taking some time to enjoy herself.
- A beautiful ornament for her Christmas tree. Even if you don't think she'd like a personalized angel ornament, she'll no doubt remember you and this time in her life when she unpacks her decorations every year.
Help Her "Skip" Christmas.
For some parents, the thought of facing Christmas is too much to bear. If your friend isn't sure she wants to put up a tree, or do any of the other traditional holiday activities, you can still be helpful to her at this time.
- Give permission. If it seems like your friend is struggling to "do" Christmas this year, you might help her most by telling her it's ok not to put up a tree or celebrate this year.
- Invite her for a quiet Christmas. If you don't have a lot of family obligations yourself, carve out some time to spend with her during the holidays. If she's ready to face your decorated house, let her spend the holiday with you. Sometimes just doing something different can be enough to get through traditionally stressful times.
- Skip it with her. Particularly if you are a family member, and you come from a small family, you might all decide to forgo the tree-trimming and turkey dinner this year. Maybe the best gift you could give each other would be a Caribbean cruise, or a weekend in the woods. Spending time together is the real meaning of the holidays, after all.
