You were probably excited for your friend or relative when you found out she was pregnant, but it's harder to know how to react when she tells you she had a miscarriage -- especially if you never had one yourself. But if you're reading this, chances are you are trying to figure out how best to support your friend through this time, and you should be commended for that. Here are some key facts to know and some resources to read more.
Miscarriages are extremely common.
The media portrays pregnancy as if it's as simple as missing a period, taking a pregnancy test, and then bringing the baby home nine months later. So naturally, most people are surprised to learn that as many as 1 in 5 confirmed pregnancies ends in miscarriage.
The miscarriage wasn't her fault or her doctor's fault.
We often want there to be a reason for everything and we want to feel in control of our destinies, but the sad truth is that there sometimes isn't a reason why bad things happen. Miscarriages don't occur because the expectant mom lifted something heavy, ate the wrong foods, or worried too much. Similarly, it isn't something that the doctor could have prevented. Sadly, it just happens sometimes -- and miscarriage can occur even in the most conscientious and healthy women who follow every recommendation for a healthy pregnancy.
It's normal for her to be grieving.
Some women shrug off miscarriages, but others grieve deeply. For some, miscarriages -- no matter how early -- may be the worst thing that ever happened to them. Immediately after a positive pregnancy test, they may start planning a future with that baby. A miscarriage shatters those expectations and takes away the child who was supposed to become a cherished loved one. It is a very real loss. In the months afterward, your friend may avoid baby showers and she may not want to be around friends who are pregnant or who have newborns. If your friend reacts this way, be patient and give her time.
Your support would be appreciated -- but choose words carefully.
When dealing with grief, a caring friend can make a difference -- but it's also common that women can be acutely sensitive after a loss, and even something you say with good intentions might be heard differently than you meant it. In general, it's probably best to avoid trying to give any advice -- her doctor will handle that. Instead, try to simply be there for her, listen and make no judgments if she wants to talk about the miscarriage (but don't press her to talk if she doesn't want to), and offer specific help if you have an idea of something you can do.
A miscarriage (or even two) doesn't mean she'll have problems again.
As stated above, miscarriages are common and frequently occur without a clear cause. Most women who have one miscarriage have a normal pregnancy the next time around. A small percentage will experience repeated miscarriages, so it's not guaranteed that your next friend's pregnancy will be fine, but one miscarriage does not mean she will have problems in having children. If she does decide to get pregnant again, be happy for her. She will probably be nervous in her next pregnancy after what happened this time, but there's no reason why there can't be a happier ending the next time around.
