One of the first questions that most women ask their doctors after any kind of pregnancy loss is, "Why did this happen to me?" Most of the time, the doctors don't have much of an answer.
Although the medical community has a large number of possible explanations for miscarriage causes and stillbirth causes in general (by far the most frequent cause for miscarriages and a large percentage of stillbirths is chromosomal abnormalities), doctors can rarely explain what caused any specific pregnancy loss.
This can be hard to accept.
After a pregnancy loss, many women feel an intense need to have answers. Many embark on research missions, learning everything they can about miscarriage and stillbirth in an attempt to find some kind of answer for what happened and whether there is any way to reduce risk. It can be frustrating that so many answers, such as "random chromosomal abnormalities," are out of anyone's control. Many want to find someone or something to blame for the loss, and in the absence of answers, they look for a reason to blame themselves, finding it easier to have someone to blame than no one.
Blaming yourself can feel like a way of regaining control when you feel helpless, and these feelings are totally normal (even though miscarriages are almost never anyone's fault). Unfortunately, however, thinking along these lines can be a significant source of stress. Sometimes you can control your exposure to some miscarriage risk factors, and other times you can seek testing for recurrent miscarriage causes if you have had two or more miscarriages. But sometimes you simply have to find a way to be at peace with what happened.
Obviously that is easier said than done. But here are some ideas for how to move forward.
If you are at all religious, you might find comfort in prayer -- doing good deeds, spending time in meditation, or attending services in your chosen faith.
You can keep researching. This can be a two-edged sword for some women. On one hand, continuing to research should reinforce the idea that your miscarriage was not your fault; on the other hand, in this day and age there is so much information out there that it can be hard to digest it all.
Try again (if you want to). Many, many women (and men) find it easier to cope with a pregnancy loss if they try for a new pregnancy. Although a new pregnancy can generate anxiety, most people who grieve miscarriages do so because of an inherent desire to start (or build on) a family -- and beginning to try again can feel like taking a step toward fulfilling that desire.
Find a place to talk about your feelings. Talk to close friends or to your partner, and if these are not appropriate outlets in your circumstances, look for an in-person or online support group where you can talk to others who have had a pregnancy loss.
