Chances are you may face the unpleasant experience of receiving an invitation to someone else's baby shower after your miscarriage. This can be understandably hard to take. The idea of buying a gift for someone else's baby and attending a party in which the glowing, happy pregnant mom receives a bunch of baby gifts may not feel like your idea of a good time at the moment. But how best to handle the invitation?
The answer varies. Depending on where you are in your grief and your relationship with the person being honored in the shower, you may choose to opt out or you may decide to steel yourself and attend despite your sadness.
Deciding Not to Attend a Baby Shower
If going to a baby shower would just make you miserable and you don't think you could get through it without an emotional breakdown, it's probably better to not go. If the shower is for someone you're not close to, simply make an excuse and say you have other plans that day. Send a card and/or a gift with your congratulations instead.
If the baby shower is for a very dear friend or close relative, it might be harder to not attend the shower. You may choose to simply go as a gesture to support the person, but if you really feel you cannot handle going, decline -- but talk to that person in advance about why you are not attending. Offer your congratulations and gift in private, but explain that you are still grieving your miscarriage and you're afraid a group gathering would be too much. Say that you don't want to feel like a "wet blanket" at the party, emphasizing that you are very happy for your friend but simply sad for yourself. A good friend will probably understand.
If anyone is disapproving of your lack of attendance and makes comments like "I thought you would be over that by now," try not to take it to heart. People who have not been through a miscarriage may not know what it is like. It is OK to simply tell such a person that you are not over it and that you need more time, and then change the subject if possible.
Attending a Baby Shower After a Miscarriage
You may decide to attend a baby shower anyway, even if you don't want to, such as if the shower is for your best friend or your sister or someone else you feel very close to. In this case, the first step is to acknowledge to yourself how hard the event may be on you. After all, the theme is all about pregnancy and babies, and if you're grieving a loss, it can feel like rubbing salt in a wound. Don't be afraid to step away to the bathroom if you need to cry for a minute, and don't be afraid to leave early feigning a headache if you can't handle it.
If others attending the shower are aware of your miscarriage, be prepared for questions about your future plans. Pregnancy will be on everyone's mind, so people may ask you when you're planning to try again or make other comments about your miscarriage. Have a response ready in mind so that you are not caught off guard. Don't feel like you have to justify your grief to anyone -- remember that your feelings are your feelings and they are valid.
If you're visibly sad, don't try to hide the reason. People will probably think it's less weird if you say you're sad because you had a miscarriage recently and it still stings than if you try to make up excuses about why you're stepping away to wipe your tears. Tell anyone who asks that you came because you wanted to support your friend who is having the baby but that it's still hard for you to be around baby-themed gatherings.
When you return from the event, give yourself some time to recharge. Take some time for yourself to regain your bearings and unwind.
Buying Gifts for a Baby Shower When You Have Had a Miscarriage
Whether you are attending the shower or not, you may feel like sending a gift along for your friend or relative's baby. Naturally, going into a baby store and buying a gift for someone else's baby might be torturous when you miss your own baby so very much. In this case, consider buying something from an online store -- at least you won't have to go into the store where every other customer is either pregnant or carrying a newborn.
If you don't even want to browse a baby site, consider sending a gift certificate. A gift certificate is simple and doesn't require any browsing -- and it is sure to be appreciated even if it's just to buy diapers.
